Feedback is one of the most vital components of growth—both personal and professional. Yet, it’s often one of the most anxiety-inducing. The irony is unmistakable: we crave feedback to improve, but we recoil when it’s delivered. This paradox is what I call “the angst of feedback,” and it’s a universal tension every leader, team member, and coach must wrestle with.
Why Feedback Feels Like a Threat
At its core, feedback—especially when unsolicited or poorly timed—can feel like a threat to our identity. It activates our brain’s defense system. The amygdala lights up, triggering a fight, flight, or freeze response, not because we’re physically unsafe, but because our sense of competence or belonging feels endangered. In EQuip to Lead, I describe how emotional intelligence (EQ) plays a key role in helping us pause this reaction. The ability to name the discomfort and navigatethrough it is a hallmark of high-EQ leadership.
But the challenge goes deeper than emotional awareness. Feedback carries with it an implication: that how we see ourselves might not align with how others experience us. That dissonance is deeply unsettling.
Three Hidden Beliefs That Fuel Feedback Angst
In my coaching and leadership workshops, I’ve observed three recurring beliefs that heighten the angst around feedback:
- “Feedback is criticism.”
Many people conflate feedback with judgment. Without a culture that frames feedback as a gift or a growth tool, it’s seen as a critique of worth rather than a reflection on behavior. - “If I receive feedback, I must be failing.”
This belief is especially prevalent in high performers. It stems from a perfectionist mindset that equates correction with failure rather than refinement. - “I have to agree with feedback to value it.”
This one is subtle but powerful. The truth is, feedback doesn’t have to feel right immediately to be useful. Often, the most transformative feedback doesn’t “feel” true at first—it grows into clarity.
These beliefs aren’t always conscious, but they shape our posture toward feedback—often making us defensive, dismissive, or withdrawn.
When Giving Feedback Hurts More Than Receiving It
There’s also angst on the other side. Giving feedback can be equally fraught, especially in emotionally charged or high-stakes situations. In discussions with leaders, including those in Jill Hickman’s network and peers like Naomi Hardy and David Bell, I’ve seen a recurring pattern: people avoid feedback conversations not because they don’t care, but because they do.
They fear:
- Damaging relationships
- Being misunderstood
- Triggering emotional fallout
- Not having the right words
The weight of feedback delivery often stems from empathy—we don’t want to hurt others. But as Thecia Jenkins often reminds in her trainings on emotional safety and communication, avoiding hard conversations ultimately erodes trust more than delivering tough feedback ever could.
Why Organizations Must Normalize Feedback
Feedback angst isn’t just an individual issue—it’s systemic. Cultures that fail to normalize feedback inadvertently create environments where candor is rare, performance plateaus, and innovation stalls. As I wrote in Thriving Together in Uncertain Times, teams that flourish in ambiguity are those that can talk about what’s not working without making it personal.
To do this, organizations must move beyond slogans like “feedback is a gift” and actually teach the how:
- How to make feedback safe
- How to anchor it in observable behavior
- How to tie it to growth, not grade
The Catalyst Everything DiSC model, often referenced in Wiley’s facilitation materials, encourages teams to understand how different styles prefer to give and receive feedback. For instance, “D” styles (Dominance) may appreciate directness, while “S” styles (Steadiness) may need relational affirmation before critique. Emotional intelligence is not just internal work—it’s also interpersonal tuning.
The Feedback Flywheel: A Reframe
One reframe I often introduce in leadership training is the concept of the feedback flywheel. It starts with one meaningful, safe conversation. That builds trust. Trust makes the next feedback moment easier, which deepens safety. Over time, feedback becomes not a disruption—but a rhythm.
To create this, I use the AAA Model (Affirm, Ask, Advise):
- Affirm what the other person is doing well or what you appreciate.
- Ask clarifying questions to understand perspective.
- Advise or offer alternate observations and paths.
This model reduces defensiveness and builds relational equity. It’s not a script—it’s a posture. A posture of respect, curiosity, and commitment.
Your Inner Critic Is Not a Reliable Editor
In moments of feedback, our inner critic often takes center stage. “See? You’re not good enough.” “You always mess this up.” These voices masquerade as truth-tellers, but they’re distorters. They amplify fear and silence progress. In coaching sessions, I often help clients distinguish between constructive feedback and critical self-talk. They are not the same.
Learning to pause, reflect, and separate what’s useful from what’s unhelpful is one of the greatest feedback skills we can cultivate. It’s the art of discernment, and it requires emotional maturity.
Leaders Set the Feedback Tone
If you lead people, you model the feedback culture. Your willingness to receive feedback—openly, graciously—will do more to shape your team’s feedback culture than any handbook ever could. Leaders like Dustin Norwood, who emphasize empathy and learning, help create spaces where feedback is not feared, but welcomed.
And that’s the goal: to turn the angst of feedback into the anticipation of insight.
